30.09.03 11:30

Melancholy Tuesday

Okay, I hate to do this again, but I have to list ten good things about myself, because I'm a little low on self esteem and no one else is going to say good things about me.

1. I can readily learn and employ new languages swiftly

2. I can make a perfect Mint Julep

3. I can paint and draw

4. Folks say that my touch has a calming effect; this is unexplainable, but good

5. I am gay, which isn't to say that I wouldn't be just as good straight, but it is a good thing nonetheless

6. I can fix things sometimes

7. I think I make good cornbread, even if no one else likes it

8. I know how to speak in public without being nervous or making an ass of myself

9. I aced my finite math exam this morning, even though I showed up a few minutes late and had to sit ina broken chair (where is my money going?)

10. I am loyal, to a fault

That didn't help. I still feel shitty. I just feel like no matter how hard I try, or how much I work at something, I will never be good enough. I am not usually one for self-deprication either, I just feel like I can't make soem grade or cut of human stuff that I should be making.

I'm not compassionate enough, or fast enough, or thin, or patient enough. I can't take constant criticism without responding in a hostile manner.

I just don't know sometimes what to do with myself, or how to make myself into this better person that I am supposed to be.

Enough of that though, too much self-pity, fuck that.

I need to go to the chiropractor. I'm at the point where when my back cracks, it literally sends little waves of joy through my body. After my first chiropractic adjustment a few years ago, I couldn't help from laughing. There wasn't even anything funny going on, it was just stuck in my spine somewhere and was released when my spine was adjusted.

I feel bad. Just bad. It's too hot in this room. I am tired. I feel ugly, and mean. I just want to cry, but I don't even have anything to cry about.

I will call a new chiropractor today and make an appointment. I think that it will help. I hope that it will help.

Well, sorry for the melancholy shit. bad arguements and early morning exams do this sort of shit to me.

Cheers.

^{Image adapted from a photograph by ARNOLD MARTIN}